


Hale-Bait

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [87]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Dildos, Drabble, F/M, Humor, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Magical Healing Cock, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-21 10:09:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1546937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Turns out Stiles DOES have special powers. Sure, they are implausible and oddly specific, but he'll take what he can get.</p><p>Reaction Fic for Echo House</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hale-Bait

**Malia:** …and I’m not gonna lie, it was really freaking good.

 **Scott:** That’s awesome. Can we talk about—

 **Malia:** I mean, he said it was his first time? But we were on this grotty couch, and he managed to make it not gross.

 **Scott:** …literally anything else?

 **Malia:** And he, like, magically had a condom? I mean, it was only XXL, but we made it work…

 **Scott:** I don’t think—

 **Malia:** And he knew all the right moves, you know? It was like he knew all the best spots to—

 **Scott:** Can I please get out of this conversation?

 **Malia:** Even the weird sensitivity on my left—

 **Derek:** Wait. You have weird sensitivity on your left wrist?

 **Malia:** Yeah! Oh, and he also did this thing where he took off his—

 **Derek:** Oh my God, right? Wait till you do the thing with the mountain ash dildo. It’s amazing.

 **Malia:** Wait. What? How do you…

 **Deaton:** I think that you will find that when Stiles said it was his ‘first time’ he did not mean that he still possessed his virginity.

 **Derek:** Why are you a part of this conversation?

 **Deaton:** Better question. Why are you having this conversation in my office.

 **Derek:** Touché.

 **Scott:** So. You gonna go back to criptic exposition? ‘Cause I’m kinda confused. How did Stiles get a mountain ash dildo?

 **Deaton:** That is unimportant. What is important is that Stiles has abilities that may shed light on this situation.

 **Derek:** And they are?

 **Deaton:** Well, as you know he is a spark. And sparks can’t exist without a power source. I believe Stiles gets his energy through sexual intercourse.

 **Scott:** That sounds implausible.

 **Deaton:** And not just any sexual intercourse. You see, sparks have a focus, much like an anchor. And Stiles’ focus seems to be the Hale family.

 **Derek:** Um. Not to burst your bubble, but I didn’t have sex with him until after season 2.

 **Scott:** Not to bust  _your_  bubble, but you were definitely not the first Hale Stiles banged.

 **Deaton:** Indeed. I believe what he was referring to when he called Malia his ‘first’ was that she was his first non-Hale. He also seems to have supernatural abilities at seducing the family.

 **Derek:** That’s fair. My family has always been attracted to nice butts.

 **Deaton:** It goes deeper than that. He would have unnatural skill in bed with family members.

 **Scott:** Ignoring how horrible that sentence sounded.

 **Derek:** So basically, he’s Hale-bait?

 **Deaton:** Basically.

 **Derek:** I get that. But wait, does that mean he was sleeping with Peter?

 **Deaton:** I believe they had hate sex in a car park at the end of the first season.

 **Scott:** But he definitely banged Cora too. Like. A bunch of times.

 **Deaton:** True. And if my suspicions are correct, he was having very athletic sex with Laura the day before she died.

 **Derek:** How do you know?

 **Deaton:** Antimortem bruising that matched his dental records.

 **Malia:** On the inner thigh?

Deaton: Yes.

 **Derek:** Definitely Stiles then.

 **Malia:** But I’m confused. I’m definitely not related to Derek, but Stiles was super good in bed. I mean, soooo good. No one watching would have believed he was a teenager, let alone inexperienced.

 **Derek:** We could be related. We both have fabulous hair and angst.

 **Malia:** I guess.

 **Deaton:** I believe a DNA test would not be a bad idea.

*some time later*

 **Derek:** So. Welcome to the family?

 **Malia:** Thanks?

 **Derek:** Wanna have a threesome with me and Stiles? For his health, you understand?

 **Malia:** Oh God yes!

 **Scott:** More importantly, can anyone tell me how to get one of those mountain ash dildos? It’s for a friend.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want updates as they happen, follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope!


End file.
